It's almost Christmas

Yesterday I had, maybe, my last chemo for a while.  I am to have a CT scan of the abdomen and pelvis on the 30th of December and that will be the deciding factor.  I am now receiving Doxil & Carboplatin every 28 days. I have had to have 2 blood transfusions to keep my blood counts up but my white blood cell count has remained low, it was only 2.9 prior to chemo.  My chemo nurse said the cut off for too low of a WBC count is 3.0 but my doctor okayed going ahead. My Hemoglobin & Hematocrit are always a little low but I expect them to drop again as they, as well as my platelets, do after chemo. My CA 125 has remained normal since the relapse but I have been on Carboplatin almost all the time & there apparently is a maximum lifetime dose that one can receive.  If my CT scan is good I may get to go at least until February without chemo.  Plus I am looking forward to going to Hawaii next month & so won't be around to get chemo anyway.  If I were to continue chemo every 28 days I would be getting it the day we fly to Hawaii.

The anniversary of Bruce's death has passed.

It is now 3 days past the anniversary of Bruce's death. The last few days have been very hard.  I can't believe that Bruce has been dead for more than 1 year.  I miss him so much. Tuesday I start my 3rd different drug treatment for my ovarian cancer.  I am prepared for the potential side effects. I have my short hair cut in anticipation of hair loss. Now Dr. Orr is saying I will lose my hair not...I may lose my hair...we will see. He says I will probably have sunburn like pain on the palms of my hands & the soles of my feet. My brother-in-law doesn't seem to think that will be a problem but I will apply cold packs to those areas 4 times a day starting the day before treatment anyway.

Another Relapse

I have been having my CA 125 checked every 5 weeks & I have now had an abnormal result.  I go Monday for a CT of the abdomen & pelvis & then will be starting chemo again according to my brother-in-law, Bob.  I haven't seen or talked to Dr. Orr so I don't know when I will actually be starting chemo....the sooner the better.  I don't even have an appointment set up at this time to go over the CT scan.  Since no one ever called about my abnormal CA 125 I am a little concerned about how and when I'm going to get the results of my CT....I had to wait 5 days & then my CA 125, which was 88.5(normal is 0.0-38.1), was available for me to see by accessing LabCorp's web site.  Dr. Orr would have had my results within 2 days.   I also succeeded in pissing off one of Dr. Orr's nurses by calling too many times to see what was going to happen next.  I had a feeling that my CA 125 was going to be abnormal as I have been having a little bit of discomfort in my abdomen when I eat...not as bad as previously but still it's not normal.

We had a nice celebration of Bruce's life. The tree I had planted is growing nicely & the large stone is perfect.  I mixed his ashes into the mulch around the tree & some day I hope some of my ashes will be placed there as well.   I still have what I like to believe are the ashes of Bruce's heart which are to be kept until they can be mixed with some of my ashes that are to be scattered at sea.

I also made it home this year for  the Old Settler's Celebration in Maxwell, It is when we have class reunions. It was my 45th & would have been Bruce's 50th.  My class reunion dinner was cancelled as only 4 said they would be coming. Denise & I decided to go to the Alumni Banquet which neither of us had ever attended. Two of my classmates were there. I never saw any other classmates while I was home.  We also went to Bruce's class reunion. They had a balloon release for each classmate that were deceased.  There were 8 balloons.  I was in Maxwell for 4 days and then flew home for 3 days & then back to Iowa with Brannon, Anita & grandkids. Tye & Mia also joined us. We all came so we could go to the Iowa State Fair.  We stayed in Cherie & Bob's camper  with the kids while Tye & Mia stayed at Cherie & Bob's condo. Cherie & Bob were in Minnesota at Lake Vermilion.  We had a great time.  Cherie even came home the day before we were to leave just to get to see  & spend a little time with us.  It was a lot of flying for me in 2 weeks time but well worth it.  Well, that's all I can add for now.

Home to Iowa

It is now Monday, June 13th @ 01:05 in the morning. I have a hard time going to bed at a decent hour but try to be in bed by now. I think the stress of this coming weekend is adding to my inability to sleep. I will also admit that I'm on my 3rd Hawaiian drink for the night which doesn't help but lets me remember the vacations in Hawaii with Bruce  as well as the boys that we enjoyed.

We, all of my sisters but one (at this time) are going to Hawaii next year. It will be bittersweet as we are going to Bruce's & my favorite resort on the Big Island.  Bruce & I enjoyed exploring during the day as well as snorkeling and then relaxing outside of our timeshare having after dinner drinks.

God, I miss him. We would probably not be traveling but at least we would be doing something we both enjoyed.  I'm sure it would involve family as we had always enjoyed doing things with our sons.
Brannon, Anita, my 2 grandsons:  Robbie & Aiken Bruce, as well as Emelia, my granddaughter will be meeting up with Tye & Mia in Iowa. Hopefully one day we can all go to Hawaii to the Big Island.
I'm hoping the weather will be perfect and everything will go as planned....we are having a celebration of Bruce's life in Maxwell, Iowa this coming weekend. The last time I was in Iowa I picked out the red oak tree & it has been planted in the Maxwell City Park near the Veterans Memorial. I have had the large rock engraved that will tell everyone of the love we shared for 44 years. I also am having bricks laid at the memorial for Bruce, his father Robert & one for his brother, John who now lives in Rock Island, IL. I will be having a meal with friends out at Cristy & John Falvey's farm after a gathering at the park. I also decided to leave Zeke's ashes here around the palm tree that he spent hours running around thinking there was a squirrel in the tree...I don't think there was ever one up in that palm.

It's May 31, 2016 still have Bruce's ashes & now Zeke's

      I will be taking most of Bruce's remaining ashes to Iowa on June 16th for scattering on the 18th. I will also take some of Zeke's (our Welsh terrier who I had to put to sleep).  I have had a Red Oak tree planted in the Maxwell City Park near the Veterans Memorial. There will also be a large rock there as well that will be ingraved with his name & a short message. I have decided that will be where I scatter a share of his & Zeke's ashes.  I am going to save the remaining ashes for my sons to scatter with mine when I die...to be sure we find each other again.  So far I remain cancer free and am no longer receiving any chemo as I had a bad reaction while on maintenance chemo.  I did have an MRI to be sure the very severe headaches that I had were not due to a brain metatasis...it was clear. I now wear a hearing aid in my left ear...I'm not sure if the hearing loss is due to the chemo or not. I also havc a lot of pain daily in my lt & rt navicular (scaphoid) bones of my hands. The left is a lot worse then the right & often pain keeps me from getting to sleep & awakens me most mornings.  I have tried naprosyn & ibuprofen but each upset my stomach so when the pain is not letting me sleep I take a Tylenol with hydrocodone which I had left over from when I was hospitalized for the headaches. I got a prescription for 20 with no refills & I only take one when nothing else works...I've had them since 2/16/2016 & haven't needed them for a headache yet but am down to 4 due to the pain in my left thumb. I'm planning on seeing about getting xrays to see how bad they really are...but I have days when it's not bad & keep putting off calling my medical provider. I also have chronic right shoulder pain since slipping & falling when I walked into the house from the swimming pool...I even wiped my feet on the rug but still slipped on the tile & hurt my shoulder when I tried to catch myself. Today is the best I've felt in a long time but I also haven't done any work lately...like gardening or moving dirt. I would have done gardening today but it rained so I decided I would blog instead.  I still think of about Bruce everyday...especially when I see my grandson, Aiken Bruce. He looks so much like Bruce, has his white blond hair but not as curly.  He has his daddy's eye color...of course Brannon looks just like Bruce as well except he has red curly hair so Aiken looks just like both of them. Well, I guess I don't have anything left to write about...which for the most part is good.

One Battle Lost...The Love of My Life For 44 Years Is Gone.

It's been a rough 7 (almost 8) weeks. On August 13th Bruce went to Fawcett Memorial Hospital for a bronchoscopy which is a procedure where a Pulmonologist uses a bronchoscope and goes down the bronchi of the lung to look for abnormalities as he had had problems with a recurring pleural effusion between his rt. lung & lower pleural space. This was to be done as an outpatient procedure. When he got into the procedure room the anesthesiologist noticed that Bruce had an irregular heartbeat.  His bronchoscopy was cancelled and Bruce was schedule to have a heart catherization by a cardiologist to see what caused the irregular heart beat. Bruce had a history of an irregular heart due to Atrial Fibrillation & had had a cryoablation procedure  that was to block the abnormal pathway that was causing the irregular heart several years ago. He was followed by his interventional cardiologist for 2 years & then released from his care but obviously the atrial fibrillation had recurred. The cardiac procedure was done on August 14th. He was found to have a 70-80% stenosis of the proximal left anterior descending coronary artery according to one cardiologist & another was apparently asked for an opinion & that cardiologist said 90%. Unfortunately the cardiologists choose to ignore the possible complications & didn't consider the fact that Bruce had already been told that he only had about a year to live due to his cancer diagnosis.  The cardiologists decided that Bruce needed a stent placed even though he had the history of Atrial Fibrillation(irregular heart) & was on medication to control his heart rate.  After placing the stent the cardiologist then put Bruce on 3 blood thinners and sent him home the next day. Putting him on one blood thinner let alone 3 put Bruce at an increased risk of bleeding. Common practice was to be on 1 blood thinner for a month after stenting  due to the risk of a clot developing in the stent causing a complete blockage of the stent & then the patient having a heart attack which isn't necessarily fatal. Apparently it had also become a practice to put the patient on 3 blood thinners while doing the heart catherization. Bruce was sent home the next day on 3 blood thinners. It should also be noted that one of the blood thinners was heparin.

In my opinion that stent should  never have been placed but then we were never asked what we would have wanted.  He would have been better off without the stent...as he is now dead. His chance of the artery blocking  & causing a heart attack (which he might have survived) before the cancer killed him in my opinion would have been slim but of course as I said above we were not asked what we would have wanted done if they found a blockage. The following  day Bruce started vomiting blood & I took him back to the hospital.  We sat in the Emergency Department for several hours & he was finally admitted to the hospital. It turns out that Bruce's platelets had a reaction to the Heparin that he received during the heart catherization & stent placement. Bruce platelets developed antibodies to the heparin & his platelets which caused a drop in the number of platelets he had. He initially had 150,000 and they dropped to 37,000.  When platelet counts get to 20,000 people are usually given a transfusion of platelets but this couldn't be done for Bruce due to the antibodies. This put him at an increase risk of bleeding...which is what happened.

He ended up having a esophagogastroduodenoscopy (EGD) where he was found to have two bleeding arteries that had to be clipped to stop the bleeding & the blood thinners were stopped, although one would remain active for 4-5 days. Now he was at risk for a clot to develop in the stent that had been placed. He was initially admitted to the ICU. It was the weekend so he saw different doctors for each specialty (a hospitalist, gastroenterologist, cardiologist, pulmonologist,  & oncologist) each day. They were all doing their "thing" but no one seemed to be in charge. This continued the following week & soon it had been 5 days...Bruce wasn't getting anything to eat...wasn't even offered any food.  I asked the nurse what he weighed & she said he hadn't been weighed so I asked if he could be weighed. Before Bruce came in to the hospital he weighed 139 lbs although his records said he supposedly weighed 154 lbs (apparently taken from previous records). The day he was weighed he was 121 lbs. Since he couldn't eat as it hurt, someone finally listened to me & started Bruce on TPN which is Total Parental Nutrition which is given intravenously. They also put in a central line in his rt upper arm(PIC line) & a port (an access that is under the skin in the rt chest area). These were put in to give better access for intravenous(IV) feedings as well as antibiotics. The reason for both was the PIC line could be used immediately & the Port would be for use later (although actually it could have been used immediately as well). Bruce was started on antibiotics because he had also developed pneumonia probably from aspirating blood or other stomach fluids into his lungs.

The pulmonologist then decided that Bruce needed to have his pleural effusions drained. He initially had one drained twice  as an outpatient but it recurred again under his rt lung & he also developed a small one above his right lung. The doctor placed two pigtail catheters in the two effusions. Bloody fluid drained from both although the upper one only drained about 10cc & the lower drained another 800cc. The lower one continue to drain bloody fluid slowly over the remaining time Bruce was alive until it had completely filled the chest tube container...3000cc.

Bruce died a slow & painful death. He couldn't eat, he couldn't breath & his pain could not be controlled.  He was moved multiple times to different rooms. He was in the Cardiac Care Unit, the Intensive Care Unit, on the cardiac floor, on  the oncology floor  & was moved twice in one night from the oncology floor to the cardiac floor and  back down to the oncology because he was on a monitor & was noted to have an irregular heart rhythm. He was to be put on Amiodarone a antiarrhythmic medication that requires cardiac monitoring(which he was already receiving). By the time he was moved his heart was back in a regular rhythm & he didn't need the medication so they moved him back down to the oncology floor.   Over the next several days he started having breathing problems & pain. He was given breathing treatments that didn't help & was on Morphine & Dilaudid for pain. He could have the Morphine every 3 hours but initially he had to ask for it & when he did it meant that he actually went a lot longer then 3 hours between doses as the nurse was also caring for possibly 5 other patients & couldn't always bring the Morphine when he needed it. He was then able to get the Morphine scheduled meaning he didn't have to ask for it, it was to be brought every 3 hours automatically but still there were times when he had to wait. The Dilaudid was for break through pain & he was eventually given a PCA machine that would allow him to give himself a dose of Dilaudid. He could give himself 6 doses an hour  but every time the machine needed to be refilled it took the nurses about 1 hour & 3 nurses to get that accomplished...either the nurses didn't know what they were doing or there was something wrong with the machine. Of course he was in pain while waiting for them to get the machine working again.  This along with waiting on breathing treatments when he was short of breath caused Bruce considerable anxiety for which he was never given anything for...except the pain medication.

It was now September 7. Bruce had finally received the chemotherapy starting on 6th, which we had been asking for since December 2014...although now it was a waste because he was already so sick & not expected to improve. I had basically been living at the hospital for all of this time. I think I when home three or four times...to shower & try to sleep. I was told by the gastroenterologist that Bruce's condition was declining quickly & that I should call Tye & tell him to come as quickly as he could from California. Brannon had been with us the whole time that all of this was going on & Tye, too, had been home for at least a  week but initially when Bruce seemed to be doing better & we decided that he should go back home so he could take care of some work.  He was to arrive Tuesday night shortly before midnight.

Bruce's  breathing continued to worsen and Bruce decided that he  did not want to be intubated again. He was put on BiPap which is a machine that helps the patient breath by forcing air through a mask. This machine is similar to what people wear at night  for sleep apnea.  Unfortunately it didn't help & Bruce wanted it removed. He knew that it would result in him dying but he said that was what he wanted. Brannon & I hoped that Bruce could hold on until Tye arrived  but that was not going to happen. He died gasping for breath & in pain at 20:43 while the nurses sat in the nurses station. We couldn't reach Tye to let him know as he was in flight to Fort Myers. I asked if a doctor needed to come & pronounce him dead & the nurses said no that they could do that for the doctor. So officially, even though they never came into the room, Bruce was pronounced dead at 20:45.

I removed Bruce's IV lines,  his chest tubes & his foley catheter. I bathed him & Brannon helped me dress him in his T shirt, underwear & shorts that he wore into the hospital. I pulled the sheet up to his chest & at that time his nurse asked if there was anything we needed. We had already  gathered all of his things & we had already asked about who to call as far as a funeral home & she said she would notify them. We then left to head for the airport to meet Tye. His flight was on time & it was a bittersweet greeting.

The following day we gathered at the funeral home & said one final goodbye to Bruce. My sister, Vicki & her son, Ken, were there with us. Bruce & I had decided a long time ago that we wanted to be cremated & our ashes scattered.  So on November 7th we plan to go out to sea & scatter some of Bruce's ashes. Anyone who wants to come along is invited as I want this to be a celebration of his life. In the spring we will celebrate his life again with family & anyone else that wants to join us as we  scatter more of his ashes in Maxwell near his parents.

Another round - done

It's August already. Another summer lost to our battles. I completed chemo this past week. We had moved my chemo treatments up a week so that I could make one of my weeks' off fall on the week of the Cousins' Reunion at Lake Vermilion in northern Minnesota. We had a great time. All my sisters were there & most of our children & grandchildren. I think a good time was had by all. Unfortunately, my taste buds were affected by chemo so nothing tasted like it should.

I am now waiting for August 7th to arrive. That is when I have my PET scan & my next CA-125. In the mean time Bruce has had to have a pleural effusion (fluid in his right lung) drained. They removed 800cc. He had had a CT scan as he was having shortness of breath & a cough. He was found to also have pneumonia so he is now on an antibiotic and will follow up with his doctor's office Friday. I will get my blood drawn in the morning after my PET scan & then we will go to Dr. Percent's office in the afternoon to find out if cancer cells were found in the pleural fluid. Bruce's CEA continues to rise even though so far no other change had been found on his scans except for the pleural effusion & pneumonia.

Valee my Appaloosa is now with a good family in northern Florida.  It was a tough decision but I can barely get my barn chores done & I am way behind with weeding my gardens.  It's also to humid for me to go riding let along drive my minis. We are behind in trimming the trees. Hopefully we will find someone to get us caught up. I'm going to make a couple of calls tomorrow to see if we can hire someone to get the trees & gardens whipped into shape. It doesn't help that we are now in the rainy season & we are getting behind with the mowing as well.

I saw my primary care doctor, Dr. Ravid, the other day. He asked if I wanted to go on an antidepressant. I said I didn't think I needed to at this time.  My grandsons are the best mood elevators that one can have plus in 4 months I will have a new granddaughter as well. She's due to arrive December 7th...two days after Aiken's 2nd birthday. Today Anita took Aiken for his first barber haircut. Pauline (Anita's mom) & I went along. He behaved really well and now looks like a little boy rather than a toddler. Most of his curls got cut off but looks like his hair is going to still be curly...just shorter curls. It will be interesting if he ends up with hair like his dad (Brannon) & Pops (grandpa Bruce).