It's almost Christmas

Yesterday I had, maybe, my last chemo for a while.  I am to have a CT scan of the abdomen and pelvis on the 30th of December and that will be the deciding factor.  I am now receiving Doxil & Carboplatin every 28 days. I have had to have 2 blood transfusions to keep my blood counts up but my white blood cell count has remained low, it was only 2.9 prior to chemo.  My chemo nurse said the cut off for too low of a WBC count is 3.0 but my doctor okayed going ahead. My Hemoglobin & Hematocrit are always a little low but I expect them to drop again as they, as well as my platelets, do after chemo. My CA 125 has remained normal since the relapse but I have been on Carboplatin almost all the time & there apparently is a maximum lifetime dose that one can receive.  If my CT scan is good I may get to go at least until February without chemo.  Plus I am looking forward to going to Hawaii next month & so won't be around to get chemo anyway.  If I were to continue chemo every 28 days I would be getting it the day we fly to Hawaii.

The anniversary of Bruce's death has passed.

It is now 3 days past the anniversary of Bruce's death. The last few days have been very hard.  I can't believe that Bruce has been dead for more than 1 year.  I miss him so much. Tuesday I start my 3rd different drug treatment for my ovarian cancer.  I am prepared for the potential side effects. I have my short hair cut in anticipation of hair loss. Now Dr. Orr is saying I will lose my hair not...I may lose my hair...we will see. He says I will probably have sunburn like pain on the palms of my hands & the soles of my feet. My brother-in-law doesn't seem to think that will be a problem but I will apply cold packs to those areas 4 times a day starting the day before treatment anyway.

Another Relapse

I have been having my CA 125 checked every 5 weeks & I have now had an abnormal result.  I go Monday for a CT of the abdomen & pelvis & then will be starting chemo again according to my brother-in-law, Bob.  I haven't seen or talked to Dr. Orr so I don't know when I will actually be starting chemo....the sooner the better.  I don't even have an appointment set up at this time to go over the CT scan.  Since no one ever called about my abnormal CA 125 I am a little concerned about how and when I'm going to get the results of my CT....I had to wait 5 days & then my CA 125, which was 88.5(normal is 0.0-38.1), was available for me to see by accessing LabCorp's web site.  Dr. Orr would have had my results within 2 days.   I also succeeded in pissing off one of Dr. Orr's nurses by calling too many times to see what was going to happen next.  I had a feeling that my CA 125 was going to be abnormal as I have been having a little bit of discomfort in my abdomen when I eat...not as bad as previously but still it's not normal.

We had a nice celebration of Bruce's life. The tree I had planted is growing nicely & the large stone is perfect.  I mixed his ashes into the mulch around the tree & some day I hope some of my ashes will be placed there as well.   I still have what I like to believe are the ashes of Bruce's heart which are to be kept until they can be mixed with some of my ashes that are to be scattered at sea.

I also made it home this year for  the Old Settler's Celebration in Maxwell, It is when we have class reunions. It was my 45th & would have been Bruce's 50th.  My class reunion dinner was cancelled as only 4 said they would be coming. Denise & I decided to go to the Alumni Banquet which neither of us had ever attended. Two of my classmates were there. I never saw any other classmates while I was home.  We also went to Bruce's class reunion. They had a balloon release for each classmate that were deceased.  There were 8 balloons.  I was in Maxwell for 4 days and then flew home for 3 days & then back to Iowa with Brannon, Anita & grandkids. Tye & Mia also joined us. We all came so we could go to the Iowa State Fair.  We stayed in Cherie & Bob's camper  with the kids while Tye & Mia stayed at Cherie & Bob's condo. Cherie & Bob were in Minnesota at Lake Vermilion.  We had a great time.  Cherie even came home the day before we were to leave just to get to see  & spend a little time with us.  It was a lot of flying for me in 2 weeks time but well worth it.  Well, that's all I can add for now.

Home to Iowa

It is now Monday, June 13th @ 01:05 in the morning. I have a hard time going to bed at a decent hour but try to be in bed by now. I think the stress of this coming weekend is adding to my inability to sleep. I will also admit that I'm on my 3rd Hawaiian drink for the night which doesn't help but lets me remember the vacations in Hawaii with Bruce  as well as the boys that we enjoyed.

We, all of my sisters but one (at this time) are going to Hawaii next year. It will be bittersweet as we are going to Bruce's & my favorite resort on the Big Island.  Bruce & I enjoyed exploring during the day as well as snorkeling and then relaxing outside of our timeshare having after dinner drinks.

God, I miss him. We would probably not be traveling but at least we would be doing something we both enjoyed.  I'm sure it would involve family as we had always enjoyed doing things with our sons.
Brannon, Anita, my 2 grandsons:  Robbie & Aiken Bruce, as well as Emelia, my granddaughter will be meeting up with Tye & Mia in Iowa. Hopefully one day we can all go to Hawaii to the Big Island.
I'm hoping the weather will be perfect and everything will go as planned....we are having a celebration of Bruce's life in Maxwell, Iowa this coming weekend. The last time I was in Iowa I picked out the red oak tree & it has been planted in the Maxwell City Park near the Veterans Memorial. I have had the large rock engraved that will tell everyone of the love we shared for 44 years. I also am having bricks laid at the memorial for Bruce, his father Robert & one for his brother, John who now lives in Rock Island, IL. I will be having a meal with friends out at Cristy & John Falvey's farm after a gathering at the park. I also decided to leave Zeke's ashes here around the palm tree that he spent hours running around thinking there was a squirrel in the tree...I don't think there was ever one up in that palm.

It's May 31, 2016 still have Bruce's ashes & now Zeke's

      I will be taking most of Bruce's remaining ashes to Iowa on June 16th for scattering on the 18th. I will also take some of Zeke's (our Welsh terrier who I had to put to sleep).  I have had a Red Oak tree planted in the Maxwell City Park near the Veterans Memorial. There will also be a large rock there as well that will be ingraved with his name & a short message. I have decided that will be where I scatter a share of his & Zeke's ashes.  I am going to save the remaining ashes for my sons to scatter with mine when I die...to be sure we find each other again.  So far I remain cancer free and am no longer receiving any chemo as I had a bad reaction while on maintenance chemo.  I did have an MRI to be sure the very severe headaches that I had were not due to a brain metatasis...it was clear. I now wear a hearing aid in my left ear...I'm not sure if the hearing loss is due to the chemo or not. I also havc a lot of pain daily in my lt & rt navicular (scaphoid) bones of my hands. The left is a lot worse then the right & often pain keeps me from getting to sleep & awakens me most mornings.  I have tried naprosyn & ibuprofen but each upset my stomach so when the pain is not letting me sleep I take a Tylenol with hydrocodone which I had left over from when I was hospitalized for the headaches. I got a prescription for 20 with no refills & I only take one when nothing else works...I've had them since 2/16/2016 & haven't needed them for a headache yet but am down to 4 due to the pain in my left thumb. I'm planning on seeing about getting xrays to see how bad they really are...but I have days when it's not bad & keep putting off calling my medical provider. I also have chronic right shoulder pain since slipping & falling when I walked into the house from the swimming pool...I even wiped my feet on the rug but still slipped on the tile & hurt my shoulder when I tried to catch myself. Today is the best I've felt in a long time but I also haven't done any work lately...like gardening or moving dirt. I would have done gardening today but it rained so I decided I would blog instead.  I still think of about Bruce everyday...especially when I see my grandson, Aiken Bruce. He looks so much like Bruce, has his white blond hair but not as curly.  He has his daddy's eye color...of course Brannon looks just like Bruce as well except he has red curly hair so Aiken looks just like both of them. Well, I guess I don't have anything left to write about...which for the most part is good.